Before I get started. I want to make it clear that I am not looking for sympathy. Some of my stories may seem that way, but I need you to know, I am okay.

I don’t necessarily need psychiatric help or advice. Though I am open to having my poor spelling and grammar corrected. I’d appreciate the help.

I am aware of how active my imagination can be, and I believe it’s a good thing. My goal is to find my own answers and hopefully help others connect with themselves through my journey. I don’t believe I am unique, and maybe I can help you feel better about yourself if you find yourself in familiar surroundings.

I know what I want to do, and where I want to go. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Perhaps that is why I so desperately feel the need for this manner of reflection. I will do my best to stay on a regular schedule.

With that aside, I appreciate you taking the time to join me on my journey. I will warn you, it can be dark at times, and it doesn’t start in the greatest place. I feel it is necessary though.

I am a firm believer that in order to move forward, one must sometimes look back. Maybe then, I can be more honest with myself and others.

To start, I will say that I am at a place in my life where everything should be settled. I have a well-paying job, dual income, two cats, and grandchildren. Everything should be perfect. It doesn’t feel that way though. Instead, I feel like an empty shell.

There is something inside, I’m sure. My brain is still working, I’d like to believe, but I think I might be broken.

My dream is probably absurd to some. I don’t want a home. I don’t want a great retirement plan, though I feel I should probably want those things. They’d certainly help.

With a home, all I see are bills that are out of control, and a prison. It’s a place I’ll never be able to escape from; a solid box with pretty windows to remind me there is something out there. I feel trapped. I can’t breathe.

The retirement portion would be nice. The downside is it isn’t what it was for previous generations. I don’t have a lot of faith it will be enough. I can’t continue on the path I’m on; I don’t know if I can count on something that may no longer be guaranteed.

I literally feel like my job is eating away at me from the inside. My body hurts, I feel overworked, and I stay up at night worrying about my worth as a drone. I can’t even say human being at this point. I’m not sure if corporations are aware of what that is. I assume many people can relate to a lot of what I’ve already said. If not, than you probably aren’t reading this.

So what do I do with my life? What do I want? As silly as it may seem, I want a recreational vehicle I can call my home. I want to travel in my own back yard, my country. I understand there are costs involved that may make a stationary home seem more desirable. There are certainly maintenance costs, and a slew of other unforeseen issues, and weather.

My home could get stolen. It may have to go into the shop for an unforeseen amount of time. Wear and tear would be an ongoing issue. There is grey water, black water, not enough water—there’s only so much water.

Then there is electricity. Is there enough? Can I continue to connect to the outside world at all times? If I want to make money on the go, I’ll need that. I’d really like to write, but I have no skills to do this writing thing. I’m dyslexic. No one in their right mind would hire me. I don’t have a portfolio.

I got a little off track there, but I just can’t sit still anymore. I’m not sure if I ever could.

This isn’t a new thing for me. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do as far back as I can remember. I’m just getting very close to this goal, and I think I may be feeling a little anxious all the sudden.

What, exactly, am I really going to do?

Well, I believe it will take about one or two more years until I either move ahead or step backward and regret all my life’s decisions. I have two more choices. I can do this alone, or I can do this with someone whom I’m not sure I want to do it with. I’ll leave that alone for now.

The real question for me at this moment, is what am I going to do until I hit the road and discover it may not be much better than where I am?

The answer is so simple. It may be ridiculously genius, or the lamest yet. I decided I would bide my time writing this blog. I figured I would document my life up to this moment, and beyond. The worst thing that could happen is no one would read it. The best would be that maybe someone could benefit from it.

The third option would be someone may simply be horrified and wonder how in the hell I’m still alive. Regardless, the risk is minimal.

I did consider journaling and changing names, locations, and whatnot, but then I realized I am at a place in my life where the people around me wouldn’t appreciate what I might have to say. They might recognize themselves and read it the wrong way. It wouldn’t be ill-intended, but I may not be able to mask over the reality very well. It could hurt feelings.

I also considered storytelling, but I am already in the process of that and have a long-term plan. It may also go nowhere and I want this to be different. I am not the type of person who spends much time on social media, so this is a very unique adventure for me. I have no idea what I’m doing, to be honest.

One more thing I should add, I take a ridiculously long time to respond to people. I may not respond at all in certain circumstances. This is a terrible flaw of mine. I think I have an intense fear of being ridiculed for saying the wrong thing. This probably doesn’t make me the best suited for the work I do, but I will get into why I’m like this when I start from the beginning.

I will do my best to respond in a timely manner. This will be my new therapy.

Please feel free to leave a comment. I would like to hear feedback and suggestions. This adventure is very raw for me. I feel awkward and vulnerable, and I’m not sure if this is one of my better ideas. Once I hit post, I am committed to moving forward. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Thank you,

I hope you look forward to finding out why I’m like this in the chapters to come.